


The Captain’s Christmas Blogs

by Markov_Debris



Series: Christmas Gifts [6]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Doctor Who References, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Torchwood References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21933934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markov_Debris/pseuds/Markov_Debris
Summary: On Christmas Eve, Jack settled down to write his blogs for December
Relationships: Gwen Cooper & Jack Harkness & Owen Harper & Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper & Owen Harper & Ianto Jones & Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Series: Christmas Gifts [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/895209
Kudos: 26





	The Captain’s Christmas Blogs

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this just popped into my head after weeks of racking my brain for a suitable Christmas Story. The format it based on the Captain’s Blog produced by BBC America to accompany each episode of the first two series (it was later published in the Torchwood Archives book). If you want to read them they have been compiled by iantos_desktop (https://iantos-desktop.livejournal.com/ ).

_T’was the night before Christmas, and Captain Jack Harkness took the opportunity to update his Blog for December._

**December Week 1**

**Alien activity:** Seven Weevils spotted and dealt with. We kept picking up police reports about a number of violent incidents involving Christmas Elves. We ignored it at first, after all people dressed up as elves is a problem for the police. However, PC Andy Davidson got in touch with Gwen about it because these Christmas Elves were nothing to do with any organised event, there was no Santa in charge of them, and some of the gifts they were giving did not seem normal. Upon investigating it turned out to be a group of Milfrante. They were looking for sanctuary and thought that by giving gifts and spreading Christmas cheer they would be welcomed. Managed to find them a suitable place to stay until a better arrangement could be made. They continue to enjoy the festive season, after what they have been through, they deserve it, see records for the Milfrante and the incident report for more details.

 **Alien technology:** We confiscated lots of guns given out as toys. These ranged from water pistols to ones that change the colour of the victim’s skin (a camouflage gun, one with all the colours of the rainbow programmed in). There were other gifts crafted from alien metals and woods, but we let the children keep those toys, unless they were too alien. We have arranged for plastic replicas of the guns to be made. The water pistols will still work but the replacement camouflage guns do not for obvious reasons.

 **Rift activity:** The Rift brought the Milfrante to Cardiff, but they had quickly blended into the background before we got there. Now we have their weapons and have compiled our scans we have insured that this will not happen again.

 **Security:** There were a lot of children and families who were given toys by the Milfrante in their attempts to curry favour that we have not yet located. Toshiko had written a programme to help us to track them down.

 **Staff:** Owen has been having fun testing the camouflage guns on some of our residents and staff, it gave a whole new meaning to my opinion that Ianto looks good in red. I had to do a lot of work to calm him down and cheer him up so that he found being confined to the Hub for a few days less arduous. The Milfrante gave both Ianto and Owen gifts after that incident which both men found touching, though I have not allowed them to be removed from the Hub.

 **Upcoming issues:** Christmas is coming up, so we are on full alert, we often have problems at this time of year. There is supposed to be minimal rift activity next week, but that does not stop invaders. We will continue to search for the Milfrante toys to complete our records and to make sure we have not missed any weapons.

* * *

**December Week 2**

**Alien activity:** Came across a group of Weevils who were being sick outside an office block by the bins. We took them in and put them into isolation while we tried to find out the cause, we have had no reported incidents of vomiting weevils before. Owen ran lots of tests and couldn’t find any traces of viruses in their blood. After a few days they seemed a lot better and then suddenly they, and all the other Weevils in Torchwood became sick. Turns out that it isn’t only humans who can be gluten intolerant, or maybe Weevils are just mince pies intolerant. We decided it was for the best not to find out which. After they recovered, we tagged them and returned them to the sewers.

 **Alien technology:** We discovered that not all of the Milfrante toys are as benign as we thought. Some of them exerted an influence either over the recipient, or their families, making them lucky, kinder, more generous, more peaceful or happier. Unfortunately, we still have not located all those who were given these toys. For those we do know about, we are monitoring them while replacements are being made from terrestrial materials. We are delaying exchanging some of the toys to monitor the long term affects. There are others we decided are better off keeping the Milfrante gifts, though we are still monitoring them to just in case.

 **Rift activity:** There was a rift spike early in the week that turned out to be journal written by Sarah Dobbs, a Victorian lady’s maid. Aside from a trace amount of rift energy, there was nothing odd about the book. The pages will be scanned for the archives.

 **Security:** Once we found the cause of the Weevils illness, I decided to send Ianto out to bring back samples of mince pies from every shop to make sure the cause was not an alien contaminant. For the same reason I had to confiscate all of the mince pies Rhys made for us. I have to say that they were all delicious, but the ones Rhys made were definitely the best. I nearly had another mutiny when the team found out I had eaten all the ones not being tested. Fortunately for me, Rhys was full of enough Christmas spirit that he baked some more.

 **Staff:** We did not realise the affects some of the Milfrante gifts had until we noticed changes in Owen. For a while he became a much nicer person, it was incredibly unnerving. I am not sure if it is fortunate or unfortunate, but in adults the effects are only temporary, Owen was back to his old self after a few days. In children the affect seems to be lingering, we are keeping an eye on them to make sure. The toy Ianto was given had no obvious effect on him so I have decided to allow him to keep it.

I expected Gwen to object to my decision to allow some of the children to keep the toys, but she said she knew of several people who would be better off with such an influence over their household, the victims of abuse getting a rest bite, bullies getting a different outlook, kind, poor people deserving a little luck. It’s kind of nice to have her agree with me for once.

However, Gwen is also on clean-up duty for the next month for feeding mince pies to the Weevils.

 **Other Staff issues:** Despite his protestations to the contrary, Ianto is very protective of the residents in his care, as well as being house proud. He was genuinely worried and upset when the Weevils became sick the second time.

I asked Owen in private whether or not he tested his theory and he said he had not. When asked why he did not discover whether it was the pastry or the filling causing the illness, he said that he did not have a method for testing intolerances on Weevils and he had no intention of experimenting. He was looking at Ianto when he said it and clutching his mug in a way that told me how much he values his coffee. I am glad, I did not want him to test his theory by making the Weevils sick, I too value my coffee.

 **Upcoming issues** : I seem to have become addicted to mince pies. I am not sure what I will do when Christmas is over.

* * *

**December Week 3**

**Alien activity** : None. I was a bit worried about this because the last time there were no Weevil sightings it was because they were being kidnapped and used in a Fight Club. I took the team into the sewers to investigate and found loads. At one point we were outnumbered, and I feared for my team. However, Owen had been wanting to test a theory about their telepathic abilities and had brought mince pies with him. He threw a few at them and they backed off immediately, waste of good mince pies if you ask me.

 **Alien technology:** None.

 **Rift activity:** None.

 **Security:** The journal that we retrieved last week was not as harmless and we thought. When the journal was scanned into the system, there were several words that the mainframe could not read. Gwen volunteered to read those sections with indecipherable words and update the entries (an apology for upsetting Ianto because of the Weevils). Turns out that the journal was somehow imbued with the spirit of Sarah, the maid who had written it. When Gwen started to find the journal interesting and decided to read the actual book, rather than using the scanned version as per protocol, the spirit of Sarah began to inhabit Gwen (now we know why she agreed with me about the Milfrante gifts, though she has not yet mentioned any objections). At first nobody noticed, it wasn’t until she suggested to Tosh that she might like a threesome with Rhys that we realised something was wrong (I think that Gwen, like me, would only hesitate in seducing Tosh because she values their friendship too much. It was offering to share Rhys that gave Sarah away, Gwen would never do that. I know because, I once suggested it, but she countered by suggesting that we share Ianto, knowing that I would say no. There is no way was I going to risk her seducing him away from me.)

 **Staff:** After getting over the shock of realising that the friendly drink she had agreed to go for with Gwen was an attempt to get into her knickers, and after helping to get rid of Sarah’s personality, Toshiko confessed that she felt a little flattered but uncomfortable. For a time, the two girls were a cagy around each other, Gwen particularly was afraid that Sarah’s personality might still be lingering. Ianto’s solution was to buy some mistletoe and suggested that they kiss, it was incredibly hot, but there was obviously no chemistry between them. After that everything went back to normal.

 **Other Staff issues (sort of):** Rhys was upset by his fiancé becoming possessed by a Victorian housemaid. He was worried that he might have forced himself on Sarah because he thought she was Gwen; he did not find Gwen’s reassurance that Sarah thought he was wonderful, and that she was more than up for it, comforting. He also witnessed Gwen’s kiss with Toshiko. I am not sure Ianto explained himself properly because for some reason Rhys decided to kiss him. Another incredibly hot kiss, but I did not enjoy this one as much. I decided to get Owen to test the mistletoe in case it was responsible for making them kiss.

 **Upcoming issues:** Owen claimed that the mistletoe was harmless, but I have seen it several times since and each time there had been some hot kissing. I have decided to confine Ianto to the archives as much as possible for his own safety. Also, the mistletoe seems to vanish every time I approach to investigate, I will be monitoring the team to ensure everyone is who they claim to be.

* * *

**December Week 4**

**Alien activity:** None

 **Alien technology:** None

 **Rift activity:** None

 **Security:** The lack of invasions and rift activity has had me on edge all week. We have managed to get through our backlog of work and have been on full alert. I was worried when I heard reports of a large number of Santas in the heart of Cardiff town centre, but it turned out to be a Christmas parade, not an invasion by robots.

 **Staff:** The biggest problem we have had this week was the realisation that we have nothing to do and that some of us (Gwen) have not completed all our Christmas shopping. The total lull in Rift activity until the new year means that some of us are now free to enjoy Christmas with our families (again Gwen, though she did not seem completely happy about this. I did try to persuade Ianto to visit his family this Christmas, but he offered me a mince pie with my coffee, and I lost track of what I was saying).

 **Other Staff issues:** ….

_The fingers of Captain Jack Harkness hovered over the keyboard. While he decided if he needed to add anything under “Other Staff issues”, a delicious aroma caught his attention. He turned to see a warm mince pie waiting on his desk. He stuffed it in his mouth immediately, regretting not being patient enough to wait for the filling to cool a little._

_The sound of footsteps drew him out of his office. He spotted another mince pie on Gwen’s desk. The Hub was empty, and it was just waiting there. He nonchalantly crossed the hub to the Ex-PC’s desk. He looked around, saw nobody and then took a more cautious bite out of this mince pie._

_He heard a door close. Following the noise, led him to another mince pie, another noise another mince pie. Finally, he reached the garage. He was in time to see Ianto leaning against his car, closing a box of mince pies. The Welshman winked at him, before getting in the car with the box and driving off. After that sort of challenge, Jack had no choice but to follow in the SUV._

_A few days later he returned to the Hub and his Blog._

**Other Staff issues:** In the New Year, Ianto Jones is going to help me with my addiction to mince pies. It has become a problem after I was lured by a trail of them into the sex dungeon of a hot Welshman.

_“Hey, my bedroom is not a ‘sex dungeon’,” Ianto protested as he set Jack’s coffee down._

_“I was your helpless slave while you fed me home baked mince pies and ticked a few items off your list. I think sex dungeon is a fair description,” Jack replied, enjoying the way his lover blushed._

_“Oh, shut up you,” the Welshman said, shoving a mince pie in the Captain’s mouth._

_Jack sighed as he watched his lover walk away. Addictions to mince pies were easy to deal with, his addiction to Ianto Jones was one he wasn’t sure he would ever get over, not that he wanted to. Hopefully the gift of luck in his Milfrante toy would keep the Welshman with him for many years to come._

_As he munched his mince pie and sipped his coffee, the Captain turned back to the screen to finish and save his blogs._

**Upcoming issues:** Nothing that cannot wait till next year.

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


End file.
